In a world crowded with digital communication and virtual connections, one simple and timeless gesture continues to offer comfort and connection: hand-holding. This unassuming yet profound act transcends words, weaving threads of intimacy and reassurance into the fabric of our relationships. It serves as a symbol of support and security that is deeply rooted in our humanity.
In the middle of November, I had a health scare, collapsing whilst watching a local rugby game. My memories of the time between being taken unwell and arriving at hospital are very hazy, but I do recall a few things: hearing the voice of the defibrillator telling people to “stand clear”; an awareness of people trying to rouse me, but me being unable to respond to them; and most vividly, of someone holding my hand. As the medical staff of the two rugby clubs did their brilliant best to support me medically, a big, burly rugby fan had taken my hand and was gently rubbing his thumb on the back of it. Drifting in and out of consciousness, and unaware how unwell I was, the fact that someone had hold of my hand somehow imbued me with a sense of calm. Like Mitch Albom wrote in The Five People You Meet in Heaven: “Sometimes, just holding hands is enough to chase away the fear”.
A week or two later, as I reflected on events, it struck me as significant that one of the few things I could recall was someone holding my hand. But perhaps that shouldn’t really be such a surprise. Touch is a powerful therapeutic tool. Children hold hands with parents for reassurance and comfort. Lovers hold hands to show affection, but also to offer security. I’m sure we could all think of examples of how holding a hand has made a difference to our lives.
Reading up on the science of hand holding reveals some intriguing insights. Hand-holding triggers a cascade of neurochemical responses that can significantly enhance feelings of well-being. Holding hands with someone can cause our brain to release oxytocin. This natural hormone may help to alleviate stress and anxiety, and can have a profound effect on emotional resilience. Moreover, holding hands can lower blood pressure and heart rate, demonstrating that physical touch can, quite literally, soothe our biological systems.
A few years ago, I had the enormous privilege of working for as year as a chaplain in social care. The two residential homes in which I was employed, looked after elderly people, many of whom needed nursing care or were living with dementia. I sat with some of the residents as they reached the end of their lives, and holding their hand was something I could do to comfort them as their life’s journey was completed. And here’s something I experienced on a number of occasions: as Joan or Phylis or Richard or whoever lay quietly in bed, they would often respond to hand holding with the tiniest squeeze. Even close to death, holding a hand was so important.
One elderly lady of whom I was particularly fond once said to me: “I like it when you come in, you’re someone to hold on to.” What she was thinking of was that she liked to hold my hand as we talked, which gave us a connection and offered her reassurance at an uncertain and sometimes frightening stage of life. A very small act with a huge impact.
In the weeks and months immediately after Clem died, an elderly friend of ours (Ruth, who coined the Thread Of Gold motif), would visit at least once a week. She took to bringing essential oils with her, which she would gently massage into my hands. I was unsure at first if this was something I would like: I’m a man, naturally suspicious of ‘this sort of thing’, and it seemed a bit too intimate for me. However, I was persuaded it might be helpful, so as I sat on the settee with my hands on a pillow and listened to some relaxing music, Ruth did some reflexology on my hands. To my surprise, I would often end up with tears rolling down my cheeks; the massage felt comforting and helped to release some of the myriad of emotions brought on by deep grief. Never were Paulo Coelho’s words, “Holding hands is like keeping the soul together, a quiet and powerful gesture”, quite so true.
Studies affirm its benefits, literature romanticises its significance, and cultural practices enrich its meaning. A rugby fan holding the hand of a poorly fellow supporter; a chaplain letting an elderly person at the end of their life, know that there is someone with them; a lovely friend massaging the hands of a grieving parent: touch, especially holding someone’s hand, is a powerful instrument.
Thread of gold ...because of Clem 